Daily Archives: January 16, 2014

Why celibacy?

Posted on by

“Why celibacy?” is a natural first question people ask when they find out a bit more about our relationship. So we thought we’d spend some time talking about why we’ve chosen this route.

Many people encourage LGBT Christians to live a celibate life based on the idea that gay sex is something that absolutely, positively, and without a doubt must be avoided at all costs. Within these circles, there is a lot of talk about what constitutes sex and very little talk about what constitutes celibacy. To these people, celibacy is understood as the absence of sex. We’ll spend some more time talking about what we think celibacy is in a future post; but, for now, we will say that we resonate very much with Eve Tushnet, who says that you cannot have a vocation of “No”.

As for us, we both have felt called to celibacy for some years. Sarah started to explore the possibilities of celibacy around the age of 19 as Sarah witnessed the profound ways nuns loved and served the world. The way nuns lived in the world offered a different pathway to holiness than the paths associated with marriage. Lindsey came to the idea of celibacy a bit later, around the age of 25. For Lindsey, exploring celibacy began as a way to integrate faith and sexuality. Yet, a lot of talk on these topics seemed detached from the practical experience of daily life, so Lindsey sought out many different kinds of people living celibate lives. Watching people live out celibacy challenged Lindsey to cultivate a life in which prayer facilitated hospitality, hospitality created connection, and connection empowered people to come together and share life. While both of us explored the possibility that we might have a religious vocation (i.e. living in a monastic community), we both felt that God was not asking either one of us to commit our lives to a specific religious community.

We are not coming to celibacy from the place that we are afraid and have never experienced the other side of sexually active relationships. And we are not coming to celibacy from a place that regards LGBT sexual activity as the unforgivable sin. We’re unique in that both of us have past experience with sexually active relationships. Sarah does not bemoan past relationships that have included sexual activity because these relationships taught Sarah a lot. From Sarah’s vantage point, it is partly due to the fact that Sarah has experienced such relationships that Sarah came to discover the vocation of celibacy. Sarah hopes to write more on this in the future. Lindsey’s experience of sexually active relationships came more from the challenges associated with drawing “the line” about which forms of intimacy are appropriate. In Lindsey’s view, so much of the material on sexual ethics comes from heteronormative situations where Lindsey has a natural struggle appropriating the existing material on sexual ethics to the particulars of LGBT relationships. We both appreciate learning that extending grace to oneself and others in all areas of life is an essential part of growing in Christ. Grace is a critical touchstone of the Christian faith; and, we’ve found that extending grace is tightly linked to offering hospitality to others.

Together, we have created a space where we can explore celibacy as a couple. As individuals, we have had chances to visit many different celibate communities. Every community we have visited over the years is different. We enjoy trading stories (of all kinds!) with each other. We naturally talk about what we have learned from different celibate communities and frequently discuss how to cultivate our shared vocation to celibacy.

To sum up, the answer to the question “Why celibacy?” boils down to the statement that we feel God is asking us to live our lives in this way. We are grateful for the ways that God continues to teach us about celibacy and look forward to continuing to explore our vocation together.

Comment Policy: Please remember that we, and all others commenting on this blog, are people. Practice kindness. Practice generosity. Practice asking questions. Practice showing love. Practice being human. If your comment is rude, it will be deleted. If you are constantly negative, argumentative, or bullish, you will not be able to comment anymore. We are the sole moderators of the combox.

Vulnerability opens the door to intimacy

Posted on by

We consider our life together to be, first and foremost, about partnership. We value the simplicity of trying to do life together. Life is constantly throwing curveballs that are more fun when you have someone else playing the game with you. There’s nothing particularly special about cross-country road trips, eating dinner, petting a cat, or wringing out laundry by hand when the washing machine decides to be possessed; but, there is something mysteriously profound about doing these things with a person whom you consider to be your partner.

It is rather perplexing to us that so many people assume that because we do not share sex together, we cannot be doing life together. Yet, reflecting on our experience together, the first word that comes to mind today is vulnerability. We have managed to share life together and cultivate a rich, deep, meaningful experience of intimacy by being vulnerable with each other. There’s no rocket science required to make the observation that vulnerability is hard.

Vulnerability is like the opposite of the social expectations surrounding dating. It seems to us that when two people date, they are expected to spend lots and lots and lots of energy putting their best foot forward. Choose the best outfit, select the best restaurant, make sure the car is clean, etc etc etc. Dating can be one big show in which you constantly wear the mask of the person you most want to be.

Vulnerability requires an incredible degree of transparency. It means letting Sarah look over my shoulder to make sure I’m not making grammatical errors as I type and allowing Sarah to make fun of my natural (and I must admit, very creative) spellings of words. It means appreciating that a good hug makes tough conversations a lot easier. It means knowing that there is nothing one of us can disclose that can change the love we share as a couple. And in that regard, vulnerability is pretty cool.

Vulnerability fosters spiritual and emotional depth. When we are vulnerable, we sit within our various weaknesses. When we share the big scary problems, we recognize that all humans everywhere have God-sized concerns that require a miracle. When we are vulnerable, we learn to communicate with an open heart and an open spirit. It is our vulnerability that allows us to share our lives with Christ… and with each other.

We see the most profound expression of vulnerability and partnership at Christmas when Christ joined Himself to our humanity as an infant. He fully relied on His family for everything. That’s amazing. It is Christ’s vulnerability that allowed Him to partner with us fully as human beings. Vulnerability permitted Christ to “speak” the language most intimately associated with being human. As He voluntarily took on our frailty, the Human united with the Divine.

Comment Policy: Please remember that we, and all others commenting on this blog, are people. Practice kindness. Practice generosity. Practice asking questions. Practice showing love. Practice being human. If your comment is rude, it will be deleted. If you are constantly negative, argumentative, or bullish, you will not be able to comment anymore. We are the sole moderators of the combox.